Week 25

Down 1.8 (41.6 lbs total)

Rubicon One! I beat the 40 lb mark and feel so good. I went and bought myself a lovely green tourmalinated quartz ring to commemorate it. I also tried on high heels - some gorgeous patent peep-toe Cole Haan pumps and some Clarks black patent sandals that remind me of the Italian Riviera for some reason:




Anyway, high heels aren't quite comfortable yet but I'm happy to see that my feet are no longer so swollen that I can't try them on and walk around the store in them. Soon.

Weeks 23 & 24

Week 23: Down 1 (37.8 lbs total)
Week 24: Down 2 (39.8 lbs total)

I so wanted to hit 40!!!

This journey is easier and harder than the last time. It has been easier because I have had company along the way and I cannot emphasize enough how much better the highs are, and how much better the lows are too, when you have someone around who supports you. It has been harder because my personal life is so stressful that not turning to food for comfort is agonizing. I want to eat to feel soothed, to feel pleasure in the midst of an emotional storm. I want Carbs.

Still, I must congratulate myself on being only 11 lbs away from the birthday goal with two months to spare.

Week 22

Down 2.2 (36.8 lbs total)

Had a good week of healthy eating with moderate indulgence. Last Sunday was a Barbecue with co-workers at which we built our derby kit car for the Canary Derby,a fund-raising activity for the Canary Foundation and the early detection of cancer. I ate everything I wanted but I didn't go insane over the potato salad and smokies - though I did drink a fair amount. The work week made up for it as I made healthy lunches and snacks and took my breakfast to work every day: crunchy peanut butter and no-sugar raspberry jam on squirelly toast - yum.

Next week will be a challenge as I am working at a client's office and the lunch room isn't really somewhere I can set up - I'll be negotiating their cafeteria all week.

Week 21

Up 2 (34.6 lbs total)

Today's WW topic was motivation. How after a while, and some success, the initial motivation that drove you to join has subsided in intensity. The clothes in your closet are looser and you're feeling a little pleased with yourself, or maybe you are bored. Either way, you have become casual about your commitment to the WW program and slippage is happening.

It was perfectly timed because I am feeling mentally rocky - I've been tracking every thing I eat and it is not a pretty picture and, while tracking is key, the other part of the equation is eating healthy and staying within your points allowance. I've been a little lax on that front. I've been thrown out of my routine too many times over the past three or four weeks and it has illustrated my inability to cope with having to choose on the fly.

I need to plan my food for the week and to always have a healthy option available to me wherever I am. This means making and taking food to work while the cafeteria is closed (come back Gary I miss you) and eating breakfast at home when I know I won't have access to food until lunch. It means bringing food to the movies rather than succumbing to Twizzlers (30 points for an avg. bag, and I WILL eat the whole bag). It means keeping a mental image of my goal in my head at all times and actively thinking about how I felt when I joined. It means remembering how I gained it all back last time and how that felt: debilitating, defeating, depressing, despairing.

I also want to thank my friend who goes with me to WW - the discussion about this in the swimming pool as we did our walking lunges back and forth in the shallow water gave me the energy to renew my commitment. We discussed our meals for the week, what they would look like, and what changes we could make to make them more satisfying. Then we went grocery shopping to put the plan in action. In fact we talked so much my butt hurts from the lunges :)

Wish me luck.

Week 20

Down 2.8 (36.6lbs total)

I obviously controlled myself enough on the last few days to drop the water weight plus a bit. So, one whole pound gone in two weeks - I'll take it.

However, I'm still on the compulsory eating thing and I've already eaten this week's extra points in a binge of caramel popcorn, Pink Elephant martinis, strawberries dipped in sour cream and brown sugar (who knew), Lime tortilla chips with fruit salsa and a very large handful or two of jujubes. Our book club just read Water for Elephants and the circus theme took over.

I'm going to have to weather it I guess - no choice really, is there? It will probably happen to me for the rest of my life so I have to learn to deal with it and get through it without abandoning all hope. It seems hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I would have faced all of that food with restraint and a calm feeling. I would have tasted it all but I wouldn't have kept feeding it to myself until it was time to leave.

I've been having hot flashes again lately - I wonder whether hormones are playing a part in the bottomless pit feeling. Or maybe the over-eating is triggering the hormone fluctuations?

Week 19

Up 1.8 (33.8 lbs total)

Ah hubris. I have spent the weekend eating. In a compulsory, manic way. Movie popcorn, twizzlers, chocolate bars, pizza, bread, butter, cheese, hot dogs. Nothing really enjoyable except the pizza - I still love pizza deeply. I have eaten my whole week's worth of slush points plus about 25 more and we aren't even through Monday yet.

I'm not really sure what was behind this: a long weekend with no groceries in the house; a visit from my ex (though he brought me shoes); a feeling of exhaustion in the face of the coming weeks' deadline driven work. Mostly feeling alone and tired I think; a bit of feeling sorry for myself.

Tomorrow I am back to work and routine. I have four days of healthy eating before weigh in so I'm hoping the damage isn't too bad - I'd like to stay this side of the 30lbs. lost mark.

Week 18

Down 4.2 (35.6 lbs total)

Wow.

I am now well and truly in uncharted water but I'm not scared, I'm not over-confident either. I feel like this way of eating and being is becoming normal. My over-indulgences are balanced by some caloric restraint; a great day usually follows a tough one.

Today I went for brunch to Ferris Upstairs with friends and had a Mango Bellini followed by The Spaniard : Poached Eggs on Roasted Red Pepper, Chorizo, and Potato Hash with Espelette Chili Hollandaise. Then finished with lovely Press coffee and fresh baguette with jam.

Bliss.

We then went swimming at Crystal Pool and had a lovely sunny work out so now my muscles are warm and I'm pleasantly tired.

Balance.

Week 17

Up 1.4 (31.4 lbs total)

I hope this yo-yo pattern isn't going to continue for much longer. After swimming and walking the first part of the 10K with my workmates, I began to swell up on Tuesday. My rings were tight, my ankles puffy, my under-eye-bags were baggier. I'm hoping it is a particularly bad case of PMS water retention and that I will drop the water weight next week. But I don't really know. After a hysterectomy in my early 30s I have no external indicator of my menstrual cycle and, though I often mention to myself and others that I must write these things down, I have not tracked these bouts of PMS. All I know is that every now and then I need chocolate, carbohydrates, and rest -- and I slosh when I walk.

This could also be part of the continual adjustment of weight loss. I am entering uncharted areas, so maybe my body needs to hang on to water while it adjusts to the fat loss and then it releases it in steps? Lose nothing, drop 3 to 4 lbs., lose nothing, drop 3 to 4 pounds. I'll start writing more information down in an effort to understand.

Week 16

Down 3.6 (32.8 lbs lost)

This week was about dumping the fluid I retained while lying on my couch for a week straight. I got back to normal eating, normal amounts of walking and went into the weigh-in with a full 35 points of my weekly slush-fund still uneaten.

I feel good.

I also went swimming this afternoon at the Crystal Pool and went on the water slide - twice. I would have gone more but they closed it off. I also had a sauna and felt kind of smug about the whole thing. My friend and I are going to add it to our Saturday ritual to compensate for the eggs benny we would like to have.

Mid-week

I just tried on every piece of clothing I own and, for the very first time in my weight-loss career, I'm letting go.

I've made a pile of everything that is too large and put the resulting two giant bags next to my front door to donate to Women in Need. I even put in the never-worn (still has it's tag) silk jacket that has been in my closet for 5, yes FIVE, years because I kept saying "you just never know..."

Well, now I know. It's too big and it will always be too big because I'm never going back there.

Week 15

Up .2 (29.2 lbs lost)

I was very sick all week. It began right after Easter dinner on Sunday and kept me horizontal on the couch all week. I had Laryngitis followed by a vicious head cold - I am still feeling the effects today. So, while I kept to my daily points and only used 13 of my weekly points (Easter dinner of course) I gained. Well, 1.6 ounces, lol.

It goes to show that even the usual amount of daily movement I get before any additional exercise is worth about two pounds a week to me. Because my week consisted of moving from the bed to the couch and back again punctuated with two trips up to the village for drugs and a doctor's appointment, I lost zilch!

However, the good news is that in WW world I achieved my 16 week clappy-hand charm and I received my 10% key ring. My next goal is exactly 10 pounds away and my reward will be to assemble a new bracelet made from yummy gemstone beads bought at Skanda. So far I have collected two chartreuse faceted Korean Jades, a deep blue-green turquoise, a matte round green agate, an aqua Peruvian opal, a deep teal Impression Jasper, and two vintage brass Tibetan beads (recovered from an old pair of my 80s earrings). Yum.

Week 14

Down 3.6 (29.4 lbs total)

Went sailing past my 10% goal and immediately went out and celebrated at Bon Rouge with Champagne, French Bread & butter, Omelette and salad, and Creme Brulee - blowing my whole day's worth of points on Brunch!! Whoopee!!

The next goal is 40 lbs. This is a psychological goal as much as a diet goal because it is more than I have ever been able to lose before. I have successfully lost 33 lbs in the past; twice. But I'm quietly optimistic right now. Spring is here at last and the urge to walk, swim, and bike is starting. This is the time of year I usually join WW (or begin Atkins, South Beach, Jenny...) so I have a huge head start and I hope the momentum carries me over the coming hurdles.

I'm also shopping in my closet right now and enjoying the resurrection of previously loved clothes. This time I'm ditching the larger sizes as fast as I can - no more saving just in case (except for the pair of jeans for the 'before' photo - you know, where they drop the giant pair of pants to reveal the new body?)

Happy Easter everyone!

Week 13

Down .4 (25.8 lbs total)

Not bad considering I expected to be up. A lot.

I was sure this was the recipe for "two steps back":

1. take one weekend away (wine, bubbly, pastry wrapped cheese snacks, crab cakes, delicious roast chicken)
2. follow it with a week of little events in which everyone brings food (lemon cupcakes, chocolate truffles, pecan pie, apple cake with sherry)
3. add a whole pile of stress
4. Sleep less
5. Mix with a deadline at work

But I guess I was sensible enough the rest of the time to make it a wash.

Week 12

Down 1.4 (25.4 lbs total)

This was a short week as I went to a Thursday night meeting instead of my usual Saturday morning one. I got my fifth gold star and my 25lb. washer (yay) and then I went away for the weekend and ate! Oh, and drank! I had a lot of great food and wine and rapidly consumed more than twice my weekly points allowance; I'm at -42 points as of this morning. I obviously have issues around control when I'm on vacation and all of the food is delicious and abundant, plus there is also the "alcohol effect" where my normal WW food inhibitions get dropped. (I remember when I was young and it was a different form of inhibition that weakened, sigh!)

I also went to a Yoga class with my friends while I was away but any of the virtue I accumulated was spent when my back went out again. I now have pain down the inside of my left thigh, the disc is tender and my left hip joint is in spasm. I can't even walk very well this morning. I'm not sure what to do about this because I need to exercise to continue losing weight and I really thought Yoga was the answer because I love it, unlike most other forms of exercise. I guess I'll have to lose more weight before I resume the practice. Walking slowly will have to be the only exercise I do until I am thinner and able to work my core muscles enough to support my back.

Walking is strange. I often imagine myself striding strongly along the seawall at the end of my street (a block away) or through the beautiful park across from my front door. And I know I feel better when my heart is pumping and the wind has pinked my cheeks. And I know it is the easiest, cheapest, and healthiest form of exercise I could do. But I never go. I walk out of necessity because I don't drive, but that's it. I'm not sure why.

Week 11

Down 1 (24 lbs total)

I'm so busy I'm eating whatever, whenever - I'm still tracking it but it isn't a pretty sight. Lots of Sandwiches, Subway 6" Ham on Wheat, Cereal, carbs, carbs, carbs. I've been getting in late, leaving early, working weekends and not shopping.

Hopefully I will get to re-stock the fridge soon and start eating my fruit and veggies again.

Oh, and I had a lot of Champagne on Saturday night :)

Week 10

Down 1.6 (23lbs total)


Two more pounds and I get the coveted WW 25 lb. washer!

I purchased one of my favourite linen shirts today, made by FLAX. Size L; not 1X or 2X, but regular size L. Granted it is a baggy cut, but that doesn't diminish my happiness because FLAX and I have been parted for too long. In an ideal world I would live in linen, denim, cotton and silk - banish the synthetics completely (except for technical fabric yoga pants which are too comfortable to banish).

I also picked up my new carved jade and red opal bracelet today and got two more pair of amber earrings ordered. It's spring (I know, but I don't care), and retail therapy has been prescribed.

Week 9

Down 1.8 (21.4 lbs total)

I had a satisfying food week. I got to drink champagne (quite a lot of it) and eat yummy snacks at book club, I got to cook some great Cuban stew and drink Martinis one evening, then I got to bring the stew to our monthly pot-luck at work and sample all of the Caribbean and Mexican inspired goodies. I used all but 10 of my weekly slush points.

However, I was not able to exercise this week, my hip joints hurt and my back twinges every now and then just to remind me that I'm decrepit. I had planned on going to Restorative Yoga tonight but my body isn't ready yet - I'll aim for the Tuesday lunch-time practice and let the teacher know that I need to protect my lower back much better than I have been doing.

I miss yoga for more than just the exercise, I really love the meditative quality, the looking-inward that takes place as soon as you begin. I've never been a very spiritual person but I feel spiritual when the journey inward goes hand-in-hand with a connection to a deep pool of calm and kindness. I love the sensation of the other beings in the room, all breathing deeply and reflectively - all of them, for that brief hour, unselfconscious, non-judgmental.

Week 8

Down 3 (19.6 lbs total)

I had a hard time this week. My back has started to protest at the yoga practice, twinging whenever I bend from the hip and producing that elastic-band-snapping feeling if I twist. A herniated disc, damaged in my teens, has often surfaced whenever I try to begin an exercise program. I had thought that yoga with its controlled movement and implicit stretching, would prevent this from happening but some severe spasms while walking yesterday have proved me wrong. I need to exercise to keep the weight loss going and to get to a healthy level of fitness for a 50 year old woman but I have consistently had back pain and have even landed in hospital when I try to pursue working with weights, fitness walking, a sport I like. I need to strengthen my stomach muscles to support my back but I need my back to work my stomach. I am well-versed in all of the prevention techniques, I know what needs to happen to control the herniation, but all exercise involves hip movement of some kind - even swimming. I also know that the weight puts a huge strain on the lower back and that it needs to come off to ensure a pain-free future. I will take the week off of yoga and walking to let the disc subside but I have to find a way forward - I can't let this be the excuse that stops me from succeeding.

Week 7

Down 2.2 (16.6 lbs total)

I can feel a challenge coming on. I have a tendency to keep adding "good for me" activities or behaviours until I collapse under the weight of all that positive energy. I'm not naturally a positive person, I have to work hard to see the stuff in the bottom half of the glass, so when I am driven by too much of the "must do because it will make me better" stuff, I dive off the edge and wallow in badness. And, unfortunately for me, badness means the foods that I crave and love: pizza, nachos, cream pasta sauces, eggs benedict, vodka. So, as I add three different kinds of yoga to my week (which, don't get me wrong, I am loving) and I exhort myself to exfoliate, moisturize, hydrate, get to sleep early, read serious literature instead of that Clive Cussler crap, make lunches for work, pumice my heels before sandal weather, meditate, and try to have at least one good orgasm a week (because we are apparently depriving ourselves of extra years if our sex life sucks), I am feeling the seeds of rebellion forming. So, the question is how do I head this off? The usual exhortation - to think positive thoughts - is clearly counter-productive in this instance. Any ideas? Leave comments if you have some.

Ciao.

Week 6

Down 3 (14.4 lbs total)

Everything feels lighter. My body made one of those shifts this week and I could feel the difference as my waist made a re-appearance. I can suck in my tummy and see the edge of my ribcage.

My friend and I celebrated our losses this week by heading to Bon Rouge for a lovely brunch. Bliss! I had a delicious omelette with duxelle, white beans and tomato concassé, a small side salad with vinaigrette on the side, and two glasses of champagne. After all, the French stay thin on such fare!

I had a really great yoga week. Our lunchtime flow yoga on Tuesday has been extended to an hour, so it's a nice 10 minute brisk walk there, a full hour and a brisk walk back. Fortunately my boss goes with me and he's happy they made it an hour so all is good. Today I went to my first 90 minute restorative yoga class which felt deeply relaxing and good for my body. The studio is only a 10 minute walk from home and is deep in the heart of a residential area; there was a nice mix of people there of all ages and shapes. I am going to try and add one more class a week, something classic like Hatha, and I should be well on my way to a more supple, strong, centered, pain-free body.