Week 43

Up .6 (56.2 lbs total)

If I didn't love my Saturday morning meeting group so much I would be switching to the Thursday evening WW meeting just so I could go out Friday night for dinner. Because I do. . . often. Last night I had two Manhattans at Solomon's - a bar where food is an afterthought - and nibbled on some fries with dip. I knew the alcohol would cause me to retain water but, c'mon, it's Friday and a friend and I needed to meet, drink and debrief after work. I came home and drank a gallon of water hoping to flush the system before morning but no go: puffy little fingers and extra eye-bags were my reward. Still, this is a lifestyle not a diet, right?

Oh, and my final blood tests are going to be conducted next week in order to make my resignation from Type 2 diabetes official.

Week 42

Down 2.6 (56.8 lbs total)

I've begun exercising (gasp). Not much mind you, just the 10 minute workouts from the Oprah website plus about 20 minutes of Qi Gong, but enough to make some of the larger muscles in my butt and thighs burn. I'm not ready to hit a gym or try a bootcamp, but in the privacy of my living-room I can be ungainly and sweaty without garnering the opprobrium of the already fit. I am at the point where skin on my belly and thighs looks like crinkled tissue paper and apparently the only sure way to get it to shrink is to tone the muscle underneath, lose the fat and hope that good nutrition and hydration allows it to regain some of its elasticity.

Or plastic surgery.

I can hear my younger, firmer self saying things like "I would never have plastic surgery - it's so fake" or "these women should just age gracefully". I think the wisdom of aging is knowing that your younger, firmer self was an idiot.

Week 41

Up .6 (54.2 lbs total)

This is actually a victory: up half a pound after Thanksgiving dinner with seconds, lots of wine and three different kinds of pie - plus two dinners out during the week - and coming on the heels of a big drop the week before, is pretty damn good. I've also been checking my blood sugar this week and I think I am going to have to come off my medication as my morning glucose readings are quite low. If this is the case then it's the best news since this journey began.

The other good news is the development of my new wardrobe. One of the women at the Saturday WW meeting asked me if I liked Eileen Fisher (ummm, let me think) and brought me this beautiful periwinkle blue boiled wool jacket. It fit perfectly so the next week she brought me two (a charcoal and a donkey-brown) Jones NY cashmere sweaters, 2 crispy white Anne Klein shirts, and a beautiful silky black turtleneck (she lived in the US and had access to great plus-size clothes). I bought a pair of graphite gray Calvin Klein pants, a pair of peat coloured linen winter-weight pants and my first skirt in 20+ years. I also bought a new pair of high-heeled ankle booties in rich brown suede (could only find the picture of them in black). If I ever get another job I'm ready!

Week 40

Down 5.2 (54.8 lbs total)

I feel pretty damn good. My high-heel wearing limit has been upped to 6 hours of brunching and shopping and I didn't care when static cling made my semi-sheer, leopard print shirt stick to my body. I am also deeply in love with my new bras - black and mocha lace with amazing cleavage forming abilities. I want my top button to pop.

New worlds are beginning to emerge from the mist and they look feminine and sexy and strong and confident. When you are really heavy you have to deny those things in yourself because it is hard to find the clothes to express those sides of your personality - and heels hurt. Mind you, none of this denies the role that comfort plays in day-to-day life and my flats, well-worn jeans, and floppy sweaters will all still be there, they just won't be my only uniform.

The broadening of options is what is really wonderful.

Weeks 38 & 39

Week 39 Down 1.6 (49.6 lbs total)
Week 38 Up 4.6 (48 lbs total)

Well the 10 days of visiting friends, drinking wine and eating cheese caused a momentary U-turn in the plan for week 38. Starting last weekend I buckled down to tracking and sensible eating until last night. Some friends invited me to a game of Rummoli with drinks and appies. Why, oh why, are these things always on a Friday night? I took Guiltless Gourmet blue corn chips, salsa and a black bean dip that I made with herbs and lemon and 1 Tbsp of olive oil. I also took a bottle of Prosecco so I wouldn't drink the hard stuff. But, you know, everyone else brought the 7-layer dip, crab cakes, stuffed mushroom caps, ham and cream cheese rolls, chips and dip. And I ended up with the frozen daquiri mix as a slushy component of my Prosecco drink. So I was only down 1.6 this morning. I'll take it. This week I'll get back to where I was on week 37.

Interim post

I've been watching the SS-2009 fashion shows and just caught the Mark Fast show at LFW. He's a Canadian-born designer trained in London and he is causing a stir. Apparently he had the temerity to put normal-sized women in his show - we are calling 5'9" with a 29" waist and a 34D bust normal by the way - and he put them in shredded, clingy knits no less. Well, 3 cheers for him! Bring back the supermodels with meat on their bones I say. If the clothes look fabulous on the runway worn by a curvy girl then the level of lust in the general population will rise as women everywhere start to imagine themselves wearing the clothes instead of futilely imagining themselves a size zero.

Go look:

London Fashion Week may not be ready, but women love a curvy model


Watch the show (takes a while to load)

Week 37

Down 1.8 (52.6 lbs total)

I am pretty happy with this as it's a short week.

I found some new food to eat this week: wraps. I love sandwiches but the bread 'cost' is too high - even something like Squirelly is 3.5 points for two slices. When you add egg salad or tuna to that it can mean anywhere from 8 to 12 points. Now this used to be OK when I had 6 more points a day to spend but it is getting too hard to swing now. And who can eat just half a sandwich? Not me. So I found some high-fibre, sprouted grain tortillas for two points and some WW whole wheat tortillas for 1 point and I'm stuffing them with:

• white bean spread, cucumber, lettuce, grated carrot and kalamata olives (5 or 4 points)


• 1/2 can tuna mixed with dill pickle relish and non-fat sour cream, cucucmber and lettuce (4 or 3 points)


• 100 gms of Shrimp salad made with 2 Tbsp low-fat mayo and Tarragon, cucumber, lettuce (6 or 5 points)


• 50 gms of lean deli ham, 2 Tbsp Boursin light cream cheese, tomato, lettuce (5 or 4 points)

I follow this with one of the last of the summer nectarines and I'm content.

Week 36

Up .8 (50.8 lbs total)

I had a great week in which I tracked everything and went into Friday dinner with 30 of my weekly points still outstanding. But my friend Cathie came into town and wanted to eat at Pagliacci's for old-times' sake. The bread basket at Pags is legendary and I confess I succumbed to the salty, olive-oil baked, focaccia goodness! I did however, have only a half-order of their most simple veggie topped pasta and a glass of white wine and I only used up 15 of the remaining weekly points. But I knew that the water retention was going to trip me up on my Saturday morning weigh-in. Voila!

I will have an early weigh-in this week as I will be going to the Thursday night meeting in advance of traveling to Vancouver for the weekend. I hope to eliminate the water and drop a pound by this weigh-in.

Week 35

Down 4.6 (51.6 lbs total) Yay me!!!

OK, the gasp this week was mine. I asked the WW receptionist to double check because while I was strict with myself this week I still used some of my weekly slush fund points. However, due to losing my job from being laid off I did get more sleep and switched from my usual egg and toast for breakfast to high-fibre oatmeal with a banana - a move which certainly caused some house-cleaning if you catch my drift.

So, 9 days late but I actually hit my goal of 51 lbs, got my gold star and the copper 50lb washer for my key ring. My next goal is the 75 lb. celebration which should arrive around Christmas if I keep going at the same pace - though I expect that seasonal food and celebrations will slow it somewhat.

Week 34

Down 4.8 (47 lbs total)

The substitute leader let out a gasp, I had to enlighten her by telling her that this meant I had actually lost .4 of a pound, net, over the last 4 weeks and that she should save her gasps of pleasure for someone who had done more than maintain. Still, I was happy that last week's excesses had been reversed and that I had got back to tracking and considering what I ate. I had even gone for dinner the night before this weigh-in (usually a fatal mistake) but had showed remarkable restraint by tasting everything - including the Bourbon flavoured truffles - and then laying my fork down while there was still food on the table. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn, that I do not have to polish the plates with my tongue and I will not be sent to my room if I don't finish everything in front of me. Of course my marathon running friend ate everything I didn't, so it wasn't like I had to watch food go back to the kitchen.

Onward, ever onward.

Week 33

Up 4.2 (42.2 lbs total)

So here it is, my 51st birthday and I put on over 4 lbs in the week leading up to it. Typical. I ate everything I saw with the "don't care any more - I deserve to let loose" attitude that prevails when I go off the rails. But I've made up for it this week by getting back to point counting and tracking. I even wrote down the 7 points for today's Lemon Ginger birthday cake and the thin wafer of white chocolate that had my name on it.

Time to change the title of the blog again!

Weeks 31 & 32

Week 32 down 3.4 (46.4 lbs total)

So a total of 3.2 ounces gained over two weeks. I am not going to hit the 51 lb. mark at this rate. I'm also obsessing about pizza so maybe there is a little self-sabotage going on as well. I ordered one in from Panago last night and they sent the wrong one - fortunately they brought a new one, unfortunately they did not take the wrong one away...

Week 31 up 3.6 (43 lbs total)

Too much reckless eating this week (and drinking, thanks girls) especially on the night before weigh-in. I foolishly went to an outdoor screening of Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3-D at Beacon Hill Park. It was a lot of fun, there was about 9 of us and we brought pate, cheese, bread, crostini, dips, fruit and of course (smuggled) Champagne. And, because it was my boss bringing the Champagne, it was Veuve Clicquot which tastes just as delicious out of plastic glasses in the dark as you could imagine.

Week 30

Down 2.2 (46.6 lbs total)

We had a substitute leader and receptionist at WW this morning and it just wasn't the same. They did not jump up and down at my loss, they did not give me my 5 lb gold star, they sucked. I feel like the kid in class who gets the 'A' but the teacher doesn't acknowledge it. This just shows you how much the milestones and rewards matter on this journey. I was such a good girl all week, no extravagances, 25 weekly points left in the slush fund and lots of fluids. I deserved that gold star.

Anyway, enough pouting, I am 3 weeks and 4.4 lbs away from the goal set by this blog's current title - phase one is almost done. I have some necessary (and nice) new clothes: a beautiful new bra because the sisters are a little deflated, gorgeous black jeans, stunning grey linen pants that are long enough to require the wearing of the new black patent slingbacks, and a new crisp white shirt. Life is good.

Week 29

Down 2.4 (44.4 lbs total)

Back to tracking the points every day and practicing some moderation. Proof that if you work the plan the plan works. I know this is an oft repeated mantra but it is a lesson that is harder to learn than "pizza tastes good" and therefore requires more attempts. So, 6.6 lbs more to reach my goal for this part of the journey (though I just hit 50 lbs lost from my highest weight a year ago, which feels like a Rubicon of sorts).

Anyway, I spent the better part of the last week reading an important book by David Kessler called The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable North American Appetite. In it he explores the rise of modern obesity and the changes in the food industry that perpetuate it. Along the way he theorizes about the changes in brain functioning that occur in some individuals when faced with an abundance of fat, sugar and salt. Well worth a read if you crave food or if you want to prevent your children from being locked in the cue-reward cycles that this food creates.

Weeks 27 & 28

27: Down .2 (42.6 lbs total)
28: Up .6 (42 lbs total)

Week 27: "The lies we tell ourselves"

So, I'm in a grocery store with my basket full of good fruit, whole grain bread, low-fat cheese, and I'm wandering back and forth because I really want chocolate. I go up and down the candy area hoping that I'll see those 100 Cal thin bars. But no, this store doesn't sell them. So I start turning over the bars to see if I can find the lowest calorie count. Eventually I have the bright idea of getting the largest dark chocolate bar because I can keep it in the fridge and eat it 3 squares at a time for a mere 80 calories a hit. With this brilliant solution I am finally free to stop orbiting the chocolate bar stand and I go check out. 21 squares later that night I am wondering why I let myself lie to myself like that. Who is the person that says "oh, that's a good idea - that chocolate bar will last for months that way" and why are they living in my head?

Week 28: "What the hell, I'm going to gain anyway"

A weekend away at a lovely spa; no tracking journal in sight. For the first time since I began WW in January I did not write down my daily point intake. I am apparently feeling secure enough to run a total in my head (see the title of Week 27 above). I ate nachos, ice cream, hollandaise, Caesar salad, bread - I drank wine. As the week progressed I did not resume tracking and by Thursday I was telling myself that I might as well order the pizza because the scales are not going to be my friend on Saturday. So I did, and then I did it again on Friday night too. How I only gained .6 is beyond me but I'm thankful.

Today I re-committed and reassured myself that learning to persevere is the lesson - not learning to avoid food.

Week 26

Down .8 (42.4 lbs total)

The black patent Clarks' Navan sandals went on sale so I bought them - I'm currently wearing them around the house in short spurts so my body gets used to wearing high heels again. The picture is quite hilarious because my other attire is baggy-ass sweatpants and a decade old fleece hoodie; no glamour awards will be won. The sandals are only 3" high, so not too bad, but they do re-distribute the weight which causes my back to do strange things. I used to live in high heels: work all day in them go dancing all evening and then do it again the next day; running for the bus in them was routine. Of course, this is partly why I have back and foot problems but I don't care. I have been a shoe fetishist without satisfaction for far too long - I need to wear heels because when I have them on the 'outside' me matches more closely to the idea of myself that I carry around, the 'inside' me.

Think about it: you just won a lot of money, you're travelling and shopping, you're strolling along, you sit at a bistro table and cross your legs, you look down. What is wrapping itself around your foot? Birkenstocks? I think not.

Week 25

Down 1.8 (41.6 lbs total)

Rubicon One! I beat the 40 lb mark and feel so good. I went and bought myself a lovely green tourmalinated quartz ring to commemorate it. I also tried on high heels - some gorgeous patent peep-toe Cole Haan pumps and some Clarks black patent sandals that remind me of the Italian Riviera for some reason:




Anyway, high heels aren't quite comfortable yet but I'm happy to see that my feet are no longer so swollen that I can't try them on and walk around the store in them. Soon.

Weeks 23 & 24

Week 23: Down 1 (37.8 lbs total)
Week 24: Down 2 (39.8 lbs total)

I so wanted to hit 40!!!

This journey is easier and harder than the last time. It has been easier because I have had company along the way and I cannot emphasize enough how much better the highs are, and how much better the lows are too, when you have someone around who supports you. It has been harder because my personal life is so stressful that not turning to food for comfort is agonizing. I want to eat to feel soothed, to feel pleasure in the midst of an emotional storm. I want Carbs.

Still, I must congratulate myself on being only 11 lbs away from the birthday goal with two months to spare.

Week 22

Down 2.2 (36.8 lbs total)

Had a good week of healthy eating with moderate indulgence. Last Sunday was a Barbecue with co-workers at which we built our derby kit car for the Canary Derby,a fund-raising activity for the Canary Foundation and the early detection of cancer. I ate everything I wanted but I didn't go insane over the potato salad and smokies - though I did drink a fair amount. The work week made up for it as I made healthy lunches and snacks and took my breakfast to work every day: crunchy peanut butter and no-sugar raspberry jam on squirelly toast - yum.

Next week will be a challenge as I am working at a client's office and the lunch room isn't really somewhere I can set up - I'll be negotiating their cafeteria all week.

Week 21

Up 2 (34.6 lbs total)

Today's WW topic was motivation. How after a while, and some success, the initial motivation that drove you to join has subsided in intensity. The clothes in your closet are looser and you're feeling a little pleased with yourself, or maybe you are bored. Either way, you have become casual about your commitment to the WW program and slippage is happening.

It was perfectly timed because I am feeling mentally rocky - I've been tracking every thing I eat and it is not a pretty picture and, while tracking is key, the other part of the equation is eating healthy and staying within your points allowance. I've been a little lax on that front. I've been thrown out of my routine too many times over the past three or four weeks and it has illustrated my inability to cope with having to choose on the fly.

I need to plan my food for the week and to always have a healthy option available to me wherever I am. This means making and taking food to work while the cafeteria is closed (come back Gary I miss you) and eating breakfast at home when I know I won't have access to food until lunch. It means bringing food to the movies rather than succumbing to Twizzlers (30 points for an avg. bag, and I WILL eat the whole bag). It means keeping a mental image of my goal in my head at all times and actively thinking about how I felt when I joined. It means remembering how I gained it all back last time and how that felt: debilitating, defeating, depressing, despairing.

I also want to thank my friend who goes with me to WW - the discussion about this in the swimming pool as we did our walking lunges back and forth in the shallow water gave me the energy to renew my commitment. We discussed our meals for the week, what they would look like, and what changes we could make to make them more satisfying. Then we went grocery shopping to put the plan in action. In fact we talked so much my butt hurts from the lunges :)

Wish me luck.