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Week 52

Up 1.4 (54lbs total)

A whole year of meetings - they gave me a "Stay and Succeed" award and told me to write 52 over the 16!

Well I was shocked that the total was not more - I was expecting 4 to 5 lbs. especially as I went and ordered the 'farewell' pizza from Panago last night (with 2 Chipotle dips no less - I love those). Logic says that if I hadn't eaten a whole medium pizza I might even have lost weight today, but I won't think about that.

The truth is I've been coasting since the middle of October: little tracking, more indulging, no exercise. Obviously, this is what maintenance looks like if I want to stay the weight I am now. But I don't, I want to lose more. I am, however, in the process of revising my weight goal. I have to lose another 55 lbs to get to the WW prescribed goal weight for my height. But the last time I weighed that I was in my early 20s and out dancing, running, hiking and --- more importantly for weight loss --- smoking! So I think I am going to take off another 35 then have a serious discussion with my doctor about the health issues. If he says I'm alright to live my life out at that weight then I'll get him to sign the WW form to set my goal higher. I do NOT want to be locked mentally in a battle to remove 20 lbs that isn't life-threatening just because of an arbitrary weight range set by WW. I listened to a 70+ year old woman today talk about how she can't get the last 5 lbs off - for what? If your body doesn't want to give it up let it keep it - I mean really, if it's not making you sick then do yourself a favour. At 70 I'll be thinking about orthopedics and elastic waists anyway so who cares!!

Happy New Year all, see you soon.

Week 50 & 51

Week 51 (Dec 26th - no meeting)
Week 50 (Dec 19) up 3.4 (55.4 total)

I am anticipating weighing in on the 2nd, my official one year mark, and seeing another large gain on the scale. I'm afraid I took complete advantage of the licence I gave myself and I've indulged in treats at every opportunity. I am actually looking forward to some austerity and the re-commitment to tracking and food prep that goes with the goal of losing. My main obstacle is 'comfort'. First, I feel comfortable in my new clothes: I can now buy some items in the regular size section so the pressure to lose in order to fit into stylish clothes is considerably less. This means the little voice that says it doesn't matter that you won't lose this week has more power over me. Second, I don't like to feel uncomfortable for very long and sticking to the ever-shrinking daily point total is a challenge. You have to work harder to eat less and still feel full. Working hard makes me uncomfortable so the temptation to abandon WW is strong. But I won't.

Week 49

Down 1 (58.8 lbs total)

I'm still not tracking again except in my head so I'm pleased with this loss. It will compensate for the huge gain I expect to see next week after I account for the weekend of fabulous food and champagne at the seasonal get-together of my girlfriends in Vancouver. D and I stayed, as usual, at the Metropolitan Hotel and did our traditional run through Holt Renfrew to pick up my favourite Jo Malone perfume. Then we went to Meinhardt's for our food shopping and then over to S's for an evening of truly pleasurable talk and laughter. I hope we all have another 35 years together to continue the tradition.

I hope that I can go into January with my loss total somewhere between 55 and 60 lbs. It will be a kind of victory to have maintained my weight over this autumn of job loss, gloomy weather and seasonal eating and drinking.

Week 47 & 48

Week 48 down 5.8 (57.8 lbs total)
Week 47 up 2 (52 lbs total)

What can I say? I only managed to lose weight this week because I hardly ate in between the Christmas pudding with brandy sauce last weekend (3 servings - I couldn't leave my friend's plates with pudding on them, the chef would have been insulted)and the pizza and wine at the local pizza-bordello. And last night's impromptu crib tournament at a former colleague's house involved tasting all of his many scotches while snacking on his wife's spelt and cane sugar cookies and pear mince tarts with spelt pastry. All fabulous by the way. I'm sure this isn't good for my body, especially given the amount of alcohol involved, but it is what it is. I am actually hoping that the next few weeks quieten down and that next weekend's indulgences in Vancouver will be the delicious end to the feasting. Bring on the New Year.

Week 46

Down 1.6 (54 lbs total)

It has been hard to get back to tracking and keeping within my points allowance. The entertainment opportunities at this time of year always involve eating and drinking - and it's only going to get tougher as Dec 25th draws near. I think I'm going to have to ride it out as best I can while still going to parties and dinners and enjoying myself. The biggest problem is alcohol because even one drink makes me abandon all restraint. When I was younger (and cuter) this often led to other indulgences - now it leads to me sidling up to the buffet table over and over until it agrees to go home with me.

And, on the topic of indulgence, I had the best prawns I have ever eaten the other night. If you are in Victoria go to Bon Rouge and order the Andalucian Prawns - you'll thank me.

Week 45

Up 6.2 (52.6 lbs total)

It's like a week of Biggest Loser in reverse :) I well and truly fell off the wagon this week and ate everything I wanted washed down with a lot of alcohol. I then ate and drank before weighing in and wore jeans and a sweater. It's like when the contestants water-load before a weigh-in when they have immunity - next week's scales should be equally dramatic. Provided, of course, that I do not carry on with the same abandon. But stress apparently demands carbs accompanied by salty fat and I have to say that the Nachos and beer I had at the pub were unbelievably good.

I am trying to remember what the longue durée looks like so that I take these gains in stride. But, while I talk a good talk, it is difficult every time it happens. It is like a long-term relationship: grooves get established and the cart runs in them almost without thinking; which is good if the grooves lead in a positive direction but if they don't it can be hellish, even with all the desire in the world, to erase them and start fresh ones.

Good news: All of my blood work is normal: good cholesterol, good blood sugar, good blood pressure. I am officially 'cured' of type II Diabetes.

Week 44

Down 2.6 (58.8 lbs total)

Short week in which I was faithful to the daily points total, got some exercise and drank a lot of water. All in preparation for the weekend trip to Vancouver in which I will no doubt eat too much on the ferry, drink too much wine at Susan's, and eat too much on the ferry again. I'm betting I gain those 2.6 right back! But it will be worth it because denial never did do a soul good.

My next goal is to hit the 70lb mark - should be doable by New Year's day 2010.

Week 43

Up .6 (56.2 lbs total)

If I didn't love my Saturday morning meeting group so much I would be switching to the Thursday evening WW meeting just so I could go out Friday night for dinner. Because I do. . . often. Last night I had two Manhattans at Solomon's - a bar where food is an afterthought - and nibbled on some fries with dip. I knew the alcohol would cause me to retain water but, c'mon, it's Friday and a friend and I needed to meet, drink and debrief after work. I came home and drank a gallon of water hoping to flush the system before morning but no go: puffy little fingers and extra eye-bags were my reward. Still, this is a lifestyle not a diet, right?

Oh, and my final blood tests are going to be conducted next week in order to make my resignation from Type 2 diabetes official.

Week 42

Down 2.6 (56.8 lbs total)

I've begun exercising (gasp). Not much mind you, just the 10 minute workouts from the Oprah website plus about 20 minutes of Qi Gong, but enough to make some of the larger muscles in my butt and thighs burn. I'm not ready to hit a gym or try a bootcamp, but in the privacy of my living-room I can be ungainly and sweaty without garnering the opprobrium of the already fit. I am at the point where skin on my belly and thighs looks like crinkled tissue paper and apparently the only sure way to get it to shrink is to tone the muscle underneath, lose the fat and hope that good nutrition and hydration allows it to regain some of its elasticity.

Or plastic surgery.

I can hear my younger, firmer self saying things like "I would never have plastic surgery - it's so fake" or "these women should just age gracefully". I think the wisdom of aging is knowing that your younger, firmer self was an idiot.

Week 41

Up .6 (54.2 lbs total)

This is actually a victory: up half a pound after Thanksgiving dinner with seconds, lots of wine and three different kinds of pie - plus two dinners out during the week - and coming on the heels of a big drop the week before, is pretty damn good. I've also been checking my blood sugar this week and I think I am going to have to come off my medication as my morning glucose readings are quite low. If this is the case then it's the best news since this journey began.

The other good news is the development of my new wardrobe. One of the women at the Saturday WW meeting asked me if I liked Eileen Fisher (ummm, let me think) and brought me this beautiful periwinkle blue boiled wool jacket. It fit perfectly so the next week she brought me two (a charcoal and a donkey-brown) Jones NY cashmere sweaters, 2 crispy white Anne Klein shirts, and a beautiful silky black turtleneck (she lived in the US and had access to great plus-size clothes). I bought a pair of graphite gray Calvin Klein pants, a pair of peat coloured linen winter-weight pants and my first skirt in 20+ years. I also bought a new pair of high-heeled ankle booties in rich brown suede (could only find the picture of them in black). If I ever get another job I'm ready!

Week 40

Down 5.2 (54.8 lbs total)

I feel pretty damn good. My high-heel wearing limit has been upped to 6 hours of brunching and shopping and I didn't care when static cling made my semi-sheer, leopard print shirt stick to my body. I am also deeply in love with my new bras - black and mocha lace with amazing cleavage forming abilities. I want my top button to pop.

New worlds are beginning to emerge from the mist and they look feminine and sexy and strong and confident. When you are really heavy you have to deny those things in yourself because it is hard to find the clothes to express those sides of your personality - and heels hurt. Mind you, none of this denies the role that comfort plays in day-to-day life and my flats, well-worn jeans, and floppy sweaters will all still be there, they just won't be my only uniform.

The broadening of options is what is really wonderful.

Weeks 38 & 39

Week 39 Down 1.6 (49.6 lbs total)
Week 38 Up 4.6 (48 lbs total)

Well the 10 days of visiting friends, drinking wine and eating cheese caused a momentary U-turn in the plan for week 38. Starting last weekend I buckled down to tracking and sensible eating until last night. Some friends invited me to a game of Rummoli with drinks and appies. Why, oh why, are these things always on a Friday night? I took Guiltless Gourmet blue corn chips, salsa and a black bean dip that I made with herbs and lemon and 1 Tbsp of olive oil. I also took a bottle of Prosecco so I wouldn't drink the hard stuff. But, you know, everyone else brought the 7-layer dip, crab cakes, stuffed mushroom caps, ham and cream cheese rolls, chips and dip. And I ended up with the frozen daquiri mix as a slushy component of my Prosecco drink. So I was only down 1.6 this morning. I'll take it. This week I'll get back to where I was on week 37.

Interim post

I've been watching the SS-2009 fashion shows and just caught the Mark Fast show at LFW. He's a Canadian-born designer trained in London and he is causing a stir. Apparently he had the temerity to put normal-sized women in his show - we are calling 5'9" with a 29" waist and a 34D bust normal by the way - and he put them in shredded, clingy knits no less. Well, 3 cheers for him! Bring back the supermodels with meat on their bones I say. If the clothes look fabulous on the runway worn by a curvy girl then the level of lust in the general population will rise as women everywhere start to imagine themselves wearing the clothes instead of futilely imagining themselves a size zero.

Go look:

London Fashion Week may not be ready, but women love a curvy model


Watch the show (takes a while to load)

Week 37

Down 1.8 (52.6 lbs total)

I am pretty happy with this as it's a short week.

I found some new food to eat this week: wraps. I love sandwiches but the bread 'cost' is too high - even something like Squirelly is 3.5 points for two slices. When you add egg salad or tuna to that it can mean anywhere from 8 to 12 points. Now this used to be OK when I had 6 more points a day to spend but it is getting too hard to swing now. And who can eat just half a sandwich? Not me. So I found some high-fibre, sprouted grain tortillas for two points and some WW whole wheat tortillas for 1 point and I'm stuffing them with:

• white bean spread, cucumber, lettuce, grated carrot and kalamata olives (5 or 4 points)


• 1/2 can tuna mixed with dill pickle relish and non-fat sour cream, cucucmber and lettuce (4 or 3 points)


• 100 gms of Shrimp salad made with 2 Tbsp low-fat mayo and Tarragon, cucumber, lettuce (6 or 5 points)


• 50 gms of lean deli ham, 2 Tbsp Boursin light cream cheese, tomato, lettuce (5 or 4 points)

I follow this with one of the last of the summer nectarines and I'm content.

Week 36

Up .8 (50.8 lbs total)

I had a great week in which I tracked everything and went into Friday dinner with 30 of my weekly points still outstanding. But my friend Cathie came into town and wanted to eat at Pagliacci's for old-times' sake. The bread basket at Pags is legendary and I confess I succumbed to the salty, olive-oil baked, focaccia goodness! I did however, have only a half-order of their most simple veggie topped pasta and a glass of white wine and I only used up 15 of the remaining weekly points. But I knew that the water retention was going to trip me up on my Saturday morning weigh-in. Voila!

I will have an early weigh-in this week as I will be going to the Thursday night meeting in advance of traveling to Vancouver for the weekend. I hope to eliminate the water and drop a pound by this weigh-in.

Week 35

Down 4.6 (51.6 lbs total) Yay me!!!

OK, the gasp this week was mine. I asked the WW receptionist to double check because while I was strict with myself this week I still used some of my weekly slush fund points. However, due to losing my job from being laid off I did get more sleep and switched from my usual egg and toast for breakfast to high-fibre oatmeal with a banana - a move which certainly caused some house-cleaning if you catch my drift.

So, 9 days late but I actually hit my goal of 51 lbs, got my gold star and the copper 50lb washer for my key ring. My next goal is the 75 lb. celebration which should arrive around Christmas if I keep going at the same pace - though I expect that seasonal food and celebrations will slow it somewhat.

Week 34

Down 4.8 (47 lbs total)

The substitute leader let out a gasp, I had to enlighten her by telling her that this meant I had actually lost .4 of a pound, net, over the last 4 weeks and that she should save her gasps of pleasure for someone who had done more than maintain. Still, I was happy that last week's excesses had been reversed and that I had got back to tracking and considering what I ate. I had even gone for dinner the night before this weigh-in (usually a fatal mistake) but had showed remarkable restraint by tasting everything - including the Bourbon flavoured truffles - and then laying my fork down while there was still food on the table. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn, that I do not have to polish the plates with my tongue and I will not be sent to my room if I don't finish everything in front of me. Of course my marathon running friend ate everything I didn't, so it wasn't like I had to watch food go back to the kitchen.

Onward, ever onward.

Week 33

Up 4.2 (42.2 lbs total)

So here it is, my 51st birthday and I put on over 4 lbs in the week leading up to it. Typical. I ate everything I saw with the "don't care any more - I deserve to let loose" attitude that prevails when I go off the rails. But I've made up for it this week by getting back to point counting and tracking. I even wrote down the 7 points for today's Lemon Ginger birthday cake and the thin wafer of white chocolate that had my name on it.

Time to change the title of the blog again!

Weeks 31 & 32

Week 32 down 3.4 (46.4 lbs total)

So a total of 3.2 ounces gained over two weeks. I am not going to hit the 51 lb. mark at this rate. I'm also obsessing about pizza so maybe there is a little self-sabotage going on as well. I ordered one in from Panago last night and they sent the wrong one - fortunately they brought a new one, unfortunately they did not take the wrong one away...

Week 31 up 3.6 (43 lbs total)

Too much reckless eating this week (and drinking, thanks girls) especially on the night before weigh-in. I foolishly went to an outdoor screening of Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3-D at Beacon Hill Park. It was a lot of fun, there was about 9 of us and we brought pate, cheese, bread, crostini, dips, fruit and of course (smuggled) Champagne. And, because it was my boss bringing the Champagne, it was Veuve Clicquot which tastes just as delicious out of plastic glasses in the dark as you could imagine.

Week 30

Down 2.2 (46.6 lbs total)

We had a substitute leader and receptionist at WW this morning and it just wasn't the same. They did not jump up and down at my loss, they did not give me my 5 lb gold star, they sucked. I feel like the kid in class who gets the 'A' but the teacher doesn't acknowledge it. This just shows you how much the milestones and rewards matter on this journey. I was such a good girl all week, no extravagances, 25 weekly points left in the slush fund and lots of fluids. I deserved that gold star.

Anyway, enough pouting, I am 3 weeks and 4.4 lbs away from the goal set by this blog's current title - phase one is almost done. I have some necessary (and nice) new clothes: a beautiful new bra because the sisters are a little deflated, gorgeous black jeans, stunning grey linen pants that are long enough to require the wearing of the new black patent slingbacks, and a new crisp white shirt. Life is good.

Week 29

Down 2.4 (44.4 lbs total)

Back to tracking the points every day and practicing some moderation. Proof that if you work the plan the plan works. I know this is an oft repeated mantra but it is a lesson that is harder to learn than "pizza tastes good" and therefore requires more attempts. So, 6.6 lbs more to reach my goal for this part of the journey (though I just hit 50 lbs lost from my highest weight a year ago, which feels like a Rubicon of sorts).

Anyway, I spent the better part of the last week reading an important book by David Kessler called The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable North American Appetite. In it he explores the rise of modern obesity and the changes in the food industry that perpetuate it. Along the way he theorizes about the changes in brain functioning that occur in some individuals when faced with an abundance of fat, sugar and salt. Well worth a read if you crave food or if you want to prevent your children from being locked in the cue-reward cycles that this food creates.

Weeks 27 & 28

27: Down .2 (42.6 lbs total)
28: Up .6 (42 lbs total)

Week 27: "The lies we tell ourselves"

So, I'm in a grocery store with my basket full of good fruit, whole grain bread, low-fat cheese, and I'm wandering back and forth because I really want chocolate. I go up and down the candy area hoping that I'll see those 100 Cal thin bars. But no, this store doesn't sell them. So I start turning over the bars to see if I can find the lowest calorie count. Eventually I have the bright idea of getting the largest dark chocolate bar because I can keep it in the fridge and eat it 3 squares at a time for a mere 80 calories a hit. With this brilliant solution I am finally free to stop orbiting the chocolate bar stand and I go check out. 21 squares later that night I am wondering why I let myself lie to myself like that. Who is the person that says "oh, that's a good idea - that chocolate bar will last for months that way" and why are they living in my head?

Week 28: "What the hell, I'm going to gain anyway"

A weekend away at a lovely spa; no tracking journal in sight. For the first time since I began WW in January I did not write down my daily point intake. I am apparently feeling secure enough to run a total in my head (see the title of Week 27 above). I ate nachos, ice cream, hollandaise, Caesar salad, bread - I drank wine. As the week progressed I did not resume tracking and by Thursday I was telling myself that I might as well order the pizza because the scales are not going to be my friend on Saturday. So I did, and then I did it again on Friday night too. How I only gained .6 is beyond me but I'm thankful.

Today I re-committed and reassured myself that learning to persevere is the lesson - not learning to avoid food.

Week 26

Down .8 (42.4 lbs total)

The black patent Clarks' Navan sandals went on sale so I bought them - I'm currently wearing them around the house in short spurts so my body gets used to wearing high heels again. The picture is quite hilarious because my other attire is baggy-ass sweatpants and a decade old fleece hoodie; no glamour awards will be won. The sandals are only 3" high, so not too bad, but they do re-distribute the weight which causes my back to do strange things. I used to live in high heels: work all day in them go dancing all evening and then do it again the next day; running for the bus in them was routine. Of course, this is partly why I have back and foot problems but I don't care. I have been a shoe fetishist without satisfaction for far too long - I need to wear heels because when I have them on the 'outside' me matches more closely to the idea of myself that I carry around, the 'inside' me.

Think about it: you just won a lot of money, you're travelling and shopping, you're strolling along, you sit at a bistro table and cross your legs, you look down. What is wrapping itself around your foot? Birkenstocks? I think not.

Week 25

Down 1.8 (41.6 lbs total)

Rubicon One! I beat the 40 lb mark and feel so good. I went and bought myself a lovely green tourmalinated quartz ring to commemorate it. I also tried on high heels - some gorgeous patent peep-toe Cole Haan pumps and some Clarks black patent sandals that remind me of the Italian Riviera for some reason:




Anyway, high heels aren't quite comfortable yet but I'm happy to see that my feet are no longer so swollen that I can't try them on and walk around the store in them. Soon.

Weeks 23 & 24

Week 23: Down 1 (37.8 lbs total)
Week 24: Down 2 (39.8 lbs total)

I so wanted to hit 40!!!

This journey is easier and harder than the last time. It has been easier because I have had company along the way and I cannot emphasize enough how much better the highs are, and how much better the lows are too, when you have someone around who supports you. It has been harder because my personal life is so stressful that not turning to food for comfort is agonizing. I want to eat to feel soothed, to feel pleasure in the midst of an emotional storm. I want Carbs.

Still, I must congratulate myself on being only 11 lbs away from the birthday goal with two months to spare.

Week 22

Down 2.2 (36.8 lbs total)

Had a good week of healthy eating with moderate indulgence. Last Sunday was a Barbecue with co-workers at which we built our derby kit car for the Canary Derby,a fund-raising activity for the Canary Foundation and the early detection of cancer. I ate everything I wanted but I didn't go insane over the potato salad and smokies - though I did drink a fair amount. The work week made up for it as I made healthy lunches and snacks and took my breakfast to work every day: crunchy peanut butter and no-sugar raspberry jam on squirelly toast - yum.

Next week will be a challenge as I am working at a client's office and the lunch room isn't really somewhere I can set up - I'll be negotiating their cafeteria all week.

Week 21

Up 2 (34.6 lbs total)

Today's WW topic was motivation. How after a while, and some success, the initial motivation that drove you to join has subsided in intensity. The clothes in your closet are looser and you're feeling a little pleased with yourself, or maybe you are bored. Either way, you have become casual about your commitment to the WW program and slippage is happening.

It was perfectly timed because I am feeling mentally rocky - I've been tracking every thing I eat and it is not a pretty picture and, while tracking is key, the other part of the equation is eating healthy and staying within your points allowance. I've been a little lax on that front. I've been thrown out of my routine too many times over the past three or four weeks and it has illustrated my inability to cope with having to choose on the fly.

I need to plan my food for the week and to always have a healthy option available to me wherever I am. This means making and taking food to work while the cafeteria is closed (come back Gary I miss you) and eating breakfast at home when I know I won't have access to food until lunch. It means bringing food to the movies rather than succumbing to Twizzlers (30 points for an avg. bag, and I WILL eat the whole bag). It means keeping a mental image of my goal in my head at all times and actively thinking about how I felt when I joined. It means remembering how I gained it all back last time and how that felt: debilitating, defeating, depressing, despairing.

I also want to thank my friend who goes with me to WW - the discussion about this in the swimming pool as we did our walking lunges back and forth in the shallow water gave me the energy to renew my commitment. We discussed our meals for the week, what they would look like, and what changes we could make to make them more satisfying. Then we went grocery shopping to put the plan in action. In fact we talked so much my butt hurts from the lunges :)

Wish me luck.

Week 20

Down 2.8 (36.6lbs total)

I obviously controlled myself enough on the last few days to drop the water weight plus a bit. So, one whole pound gone in two weeks - I'll take it.

However, I'm still on the compulsory eating thing and I've already eaten this week's extra points in a binge of caramel popcorn, Pink Elephant martinis, strawberries dipped in sour cream and brown sugar (who knew), Lime tortilla chips with fruit salsa and a very large handful or two of jujubes. Our book club just read Water for Elephants and the circus theme took over.

I'm going to have to weather it I guess - no choice really, is there? It will probably happen to me for the rest of my life so I have to learn to deal with it and get through it without abandoning all hope. It seems hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I would have faced all of that food with restraint and a calm feeling. I would have tasted it all but I wouldn't have kept feeding it to myself until it was time to leave.

I've been having hot flashes again lately - I wonder whether hormones are playing a part in the bottomless pit feeling. Or maybe the over-eating is triggering the hormone fluctuations?

Week 19

Up 1.8 (33.8 lbs total)

Ah hubris. I have spent the weekend eating. In a compulsory, manic way. Movie popcorn, twizzlers, chocolate bars, pizza, bread, butter, cheese, hot dogs. Nothing really enjoyable except the pizza - I still love pizza deeply. I have eaten my whole week's worth of slush points plus about 25 more and we aren't even through Monday yet.

I'm not really sure what was behind this: a long weekend with no groceries in the house; a visit from my ex (though he brought me shoes); a feeling of exhaustion in the face of the coming weeks' deadline driven work. Mostly feeling alone and tired I think; a bit of feeling sorry for myself.

Tomorrow I am back to work and routine. I have four days of healthy eating before weigh in so I'm hoping the damage isn't too bad - I'd like to stay this side of the 30lbs. lost mark.

Week 18

Down 4.2 (35.6 lbs total)

Wow.

I am now well and truly in uncharted water but I'm not scared, I'm not over-confident either. I feel like this way of eating and being is becoming normal. My over-indulgences are balanced by some caloric restraint; a great day usually follows a tough one.

Today I went for brunch to Ferris Upstairs with friends and had a Mango Bellini followed by The Spaniard : Poached Eggs on Roasted Red Pepper, Chorizo, and Potato Hash with Espelette Chili Hollandaise. Then finished with lovely Press coffee and fresh baguette with jam.

Bliss.

We then went swimming at Crystal Pool and had a lovely sunny work out so now my muscles are warm and I'm pleasantly tired.

Balance.

Week 17

Up 1.4 (31.4 lbs total)

I hope this yo-yo pattern isn't going to continue for much longer. After swimming and walking the first part of the 10K with my workmates, I began to swell up on Tuesday. My rings were tight, my ankles puffy, my under-eye-bags were baggier. I'm hoping it is a particularly bad case of PMS water retention and that I will drop the water weight next week. But I don't really know. After a hysterectomy in my early 30s I have no external indicator of my menstrual cycle and, though I often mention to myself and others that I must write these things down, I have not tracked these bouts of PMS. All I know is that every now and then I need chocolate, carbohydrates, and rest -- and I slosh when I walk.

This could also be part of the continual adjustment of weight loss. I am entering uncharted areas, so maybe my body needs to hang on to water while it adjusts to the fat loss and then it releases it in steps? Lose nothing, drop 3 to 4 lbs., lose nothing, drop 3 to 4 pounds. I'll start writing more information down in an effort to understand.

Week 16

Down 3.6 (32.8 lbs lost)

This week was about dumping the fluid I retained while lying on my couch for a week straight. I got back to normal eating, normal amounts of walking and went into the weigh-in with a full 35 points of my weekly slush-fund still uneaten.

I feel good.

I also went swimming this afternoon at the Crystal Pool and went on the water slide - twice. I would have gone more but they closed it off. I also had a sauna and felt kind of smug about the whole thing. My friend and I are going to add it to our Saturday ritual to compensate for the eggs benny we would like to have.

Mid-week

I just tried on every piece of clothing I own and, for the very first time in my weight-loss career, I'm letting go.

I've made a pile of everything that is too large and put the resulting two giant bags next to my front door to donate to Women in Need. I even put in the never-worn (still has it's tag) silk jacket that has been in my closet for 5, yes FIVE, years because I kept saying "you just never know..."

Well, now I know. It's too big and it will always be too big because I'm never going back there.

Week 15

Up .2 (29.2 lbs lost)

I was very sick all week. It began right after Easter dinner on Sunday and kept me horizontal on the couch all week. I had Laryngitis followed by a vicious head cold - I am still feeling the effects today. So, while I kept to my daily points and only used 13 of my weekly points (Easter dinner of course) I gained. Well, 1.6 ounces, lol.

It goes to show that even the usual amount of daily movement I get before any additional exercise is worth about two pounds a week to me. Because my week consisted of moving from the bed to the couch and back again punctuated with two trips up to the village for drugs and a doctor's appointment, I lost zilch!

However, the good news is that in WW world I achieved my 16 week clappy-hand charm and I received my 10% key ring. My next goal is exactly 10 pounds away and my reward will be to assemble a new bracelet made from yummy gemstone beads bought at Skanda. So far I have collected two chartreuse faceted Korean Jades, a deep blue-green turquoise, a matte round green agate, an aqua Peruvian opal, a deep teal Impression Jasper, and two vintage brass Tibetan beads (recovered from an old pair of my 80s earrings). Yum.

Week 14

Down 3.6 (29.4 lbs total)

Went sailing past my 10% goal and immediately went out and celebrated at Bon Rouge with Champagne, French Bread & butter, Omelette and salad, and Creme Brulee - blowing my whole day's worth of points on Brunch!! Whoopee!!

The next goal is 40 lbs. This is a psychological goal as much as a diet goal because it is more than I have ever been able to lose before. I have successfully lost 33 lbs in the past; twice. But I'm quietly optimistic right now. Spring is here at last and the urge to walk, swim, and bike is starting. This is the time of year I usually join WW (or begin Atkins, South Beach, Jenny...) so I have a huge head start and I hope the momentum carries me over the coming hurdles.

I'm also shopping in my closet right now and enjoying the resurrection of previously loved clothes. This time I'm ditching the larger sizes as fast as I can - no more saving just in case (except for the pair of jeans for the 'before' photo - you know, where they drop the giant pair of pants to reveal the new body?)

Happy Easter everyone!

Week 13

Down .4 (25.8 lbs total)

Not bad considering I expected to be up. A lot.

I was sure this was the recipe for "two steps back":

1. take one weekend away (wine, bubbly, pastry wrapped cheese snacks, crab cakes, delicious roast chicken)
2. follow it with a week of little events in which everyone brings food (lemon cupcakes, chocolate truffles, pecan pie, apple cake with sherry)
3. add a whole pile of stress
4. Sleep less
5. Mix with a deadline at work

But I guess I was sensible enough the rest of the time to make it a wash.

Week 12

Down 1.4 (25.4 lbs total)

This was a short week as I went to a Thursday night meeting instead of my usual Saturday morning one. I got my fifth gold star and my 25lb. washer (yay) and then I went away for the weekend and ate! Oh, and drank! I had a lot of great food and wine and rapidly consumed more than twice my weekly points allowance; I'm at -42 points as of this morning. I obviously have issues around control when I'm on vacation and all of the food is delicious and abundant, plus there is also the "alcohol effect" where my normal WW food inhibitions get dropped. (I remember when I was young and it was a different form of inhibition that weakened, sigh!)

I also went to a Yoga class with my friends while I was away but any of the virtue I accumulated was spent when my back went out again. I now have pain down the inside of my left thigh, the disc is tender and my left hip joint is in spasm. I can't even walk very well this morning. I'm not sure what to do about this because I need to exercise to continue losing weight and I really thought Yoga was the answer because I love it, unlike most other forms of exercise. I guess I'll have to lose more weight before I resume the practice. Walking slowly will have to be the only exercise I do until I am thinner and able to work my core muscles enough to support my back.

Walking is strange. I often imagine myself striding strongly along the seawall at the end of my street (a block away) or through the beautiful park across from my front door. And I know I feel better when my heart is pumping and the wind has pinked my cheeks. And I know it is the easiest, cheapest, and healthiest form of exercise I could do. But I never go. I walk out of necessity because I don't drive, but that's it. I'm not sure why.

Week 11

Down 1 (24 lbs total)

I'm so busy I'm eating whatever, whenever - I'm still tracking it but it isn't a pretty sight. Lots of Sandwiches, Subway 6" Ham on Wheat, Cereal, carbs, carbs, carbs. I've been getting in late, leaving early, working weekends and not shopping.

Hopefully I will get to re-stock the fridge soon and start eating my fruit and veggies again.

Oh, and I had a lot of Champagne on Saturday night :)

Week 10

Down 1.6 (23lbs total)


Two more pounds and I get the coveted WW 25 lb. washer!

I purchased one of my favourite linen shirts today, made by FLAX. Size L; not 1X or 2X, but regular size L. Granted it is a baggy cut, but that doesn't diminish my happiness because FLAX and I have been parted for too long. In an ideal world I would live in linen, denim, cotton and silk - banish the synthetics completely (except for technical fabric yoga pants which are too comfortable to banish).

I also picked up my new carved jade and red opal bracelet today and got two more pair of amber earrings ordered. It's spring (I know, but I don't care), and retail therapy has been prescribed.

Week 9

Down 1.8 (21.4 lbs total)

I had a satisfying food week. I got to drink champagne (quite a lot of it) and eat yummy snacks at book club, I got to cook some great Cuban stew and drink Martinis one evening, then I got to bring the stew to our monthly pot-luck at work and sample all of the Caribbean and Mexican inspired goodies. I used all but 10 of my weekly slush points.

However, I was not able to exercise this week, my hip joints hurt and my back twinges every now and then just to remind me that I'm decrepit. I had planned on going to Restorative Yoga tonight but my body isn't ready yet - I'll aim for the Tuesday lunch-time practice and let the teacher know that I need to protect my lower back much better than I have been doing.

I miss yoga for more than just the exercise, I really love the meditative quality, the looking-inward that takes place as soon as you begin. I've never been a very spiritual person but I feel spiritual when the journey inward goes hand-in-hand with a connection to a deep pool of calm and kindness. I love the sensation of the other beings in the room, all breathing deeply and reflectively - all of them, for that brief hour, unselfconscious, non-judgmental.

Week 8

Down 3 (19.6 lbs total)

I had a hard time this week. My back has started to protest at the yoga practice, twinging whenever I bend from the hip and producing that elastic-band-snapping feeling if I twist. A herniated disc, damaged in my teens, has often surfaced whenever I try to begin an exercise program. I had thought that yoga with its controlled movement and implicit stretching, would prevent this from happening but some severe spasms while walking yesterday have proved me wrong. I need to exercise to keep the weight loss going and to get to a healthy level of fitness for a 50 year old woman but I have consistently had back pain and have even landed in hospital when I try to pursue working with weights, fitness walking, a sport I like. I need to strengthen my stomach muscles to support my back but I need my back to work my stomach. I am well-versed in all of the prevention techniques, I know what needs to happen to control the herniation, but all exercise involves hip movement of some kind - even swimming. I also know that the weight puts a huge strain on the lower back and that it needs to come off to ensure a pain-free future. I will take the week off of yoga and walking to let the disc subside but I have to find a way forward - I can't let this be the excuse that stops me from succeeding.

Week 7

Down 2.2 (16.6 lbs total)

I can feel a challenge coming on. I have a tendency to keep adding "good for me" activities or behaviours until I collapse under the weight of all that positive energy. I'm not naturally a positive person, I have to work hard to see the stuff in the bottom half of the glass, so when I am driven by too much of the "must do because it will make me better" stuff, I dive off the edge and wallow in badness. And, unfortunately for me, badness means the foods that I crave and love: pizza, nachos, cream pasta sauces, eggs benedict, vodka. So, as I add three different kinds of yoga to my week (which, don't get me wrong, I am loving) and I exhort myself to exfoliate, moisturize, hydrate, get to sleep early, read serious literature instead of that Clive Cussler crap, make lunches for work, pumice my heels before sandal weather, meditate, and try to have at least one good orgasm a week (because we are apparently depriving ourselves of extra years if our sex life sucks), I am feeling the seeds of rebellion forming. So, the question is how do I head this off? The usual exhortation - to think positive thoughts - is clearly counter-productive in this instance. Any ideas? Leave comments if you have some.

Ciao.

Week 6

Down 3 (14.4 lbs total)

Everything feels lighter. My body made one of those shifts this week and I could feel the difference as my waist made a re-appearance. I can suck in my tummy and see the edge of my ribcage.

My friend and I celebrated our losses this week by heading to Bon Rouge for a lovely brunch. Bliss! I had a delicious omelette with duxelle, white beans and tomato concassé, a small side salad with vinaigrette on the side, and two glasses of champagne. After all, the French stay thin on such fare!

I had a really great yoga week. Our lunchtime flow yoga on Tuesday has been extended to an hour, so it's a nice 10 minute brisk walk there, a full hour and a brisk walk back. Fortunately my boss goes with me and he's happy they made it an hour so all is good. Today I went to my first 90 minute restorative yoga class which felt deeply relaxing and good for my body. The studio is only a 10 minute walk from home and is deep in the heart of a residential area; there was a nice mix of people there of all ages and shapes. I am going to try and add one more class a week, something classic like Hatha, and I should be well on my way to a more supple, strong, centered, pain-free body.

Week 5

Down 1 (11.4 lbs. total)

This was a week that ended with too much food and some alcohol. I had the bottomless pit thing on Thursday with a headache and swollen ankles, PMS I'm guessing, and then on Friday I participated in a potluck lunch at work with some great fattening food and then went out for cocktails after work.

I'm pretty happy with a pound loss, my pant are feeling looser and my knees don't ache as much. However, I went clothes shopping today to try and find some yoga pants and a sports bra. 6 hours of shopping later I finally settled for something. The lack of comfortable clothing and bra options for plus-size women is shocking. Plus-size teenagers can apparently have all the crappy cheap clothing they want, but if you are a more mature woman who does not want to wear peter pan collars, 3/4 sleeves, and tops cropped at your belly button, you are SOL.

Off to yoga class tomorrow - wish me luck.

Week 4

Down 2.6 (10.4 lbs total)

I successfully navigated a fabulous dinner out at Stage before taking in the Tom Stoppard play "The Real Thing" on Thursday.

I love Tom Stoppard and I wish they would put on every play, in fact I wish there was a Tom Stoppard festival somewhere. I mean why should Shakespeare get a festival and not Tom? I would like to ask the universe to arrange this please, somewhere nice, like SF or Portland. So I could take my summer vacay there.

Stage is a particularly good choice if you want to have really good food, a little wine, and a great atmosphere while not blowing the Points bank. My friend and I shared each of the courses so I got to indulge in some pâté and cornichon, some fresh cress and beet salad, a scrumptious tuna tartare, and some Lamb merguez sausages. And, because they serve wine in a 3 oz. tasting size, I got to have some nice French whites with my food. Bliss.

And I did some yoga and went for a few walks. All in all a good week.

Week 3

Down 2.6 (7.8 lbs total)

I'm feeling pretty good about being on the plan. There were no food crises this week and I managed to vary the food enough so that I wasn't bored and craving flavour by the end of the week.

A friend is going to meetings with me this time and, though she only has about 20 pounds to lose, keeping her encouraged and attending is helping me a lot. I spent time preparing her for the fact that I would probably lose big numbers at the beginning as I had more to lose and more water weight to shed. Ha! She is down 8 lbs. at the end of week 3. At this rate she'll be gone from meetings in April!! Still, it proves the oft quoted truth that having a friend along for the ride is very helpful in keeping you motivated. It will be great seeing her achieve her goal weight and maintain it.

Ciao

Week 2

Down .4 (5.2 total)

I tracked points and stayed within my daily allowance right up until Friday when circumstances intervened. I had a normal breakfast at work but lunch went out the window when a meeting ran over-time, the cafeteria was slammed and, after 25 minutes, I gave up on my order. Unfortunately I had another out of office meeting to run to so I thought I'd grab a quick lunch at the cafeteria at the client's office. Unfortunately they were almost out of food and the only semi-eatable thing were those little 1oz. packages of cheese. So I grabbed two of them, because at least they are protein, and went off to my next meeting which also ran overtime. So by the time I arrive home an hour later than normal I was tired, hungry, and craving carbs. I went to the local Pizza place, had a pepperoni pizza and a glass of red wine. Now, because the pizza is very thin crust and they put almost no cheese on these things, I ended the week with half of my discretionary points left. But the night before a weigh-in is not the time to be indulging in a salty, carb-y, wine-y dinner. This week I will have to be happy with the way my waistbands are feeling rather than with what the scales tell me. And remind myself that it is still 5 lbs. lost in two weeks.

Cheers!

Week 1

Down 4.8

This was the weigh-in at the end of week one. I feel happy with that loss though it's mostly water - but some of it is fat I'm sure. The rhythm is back, I'm eating the same breakfast and lunch every day at work followed by a varying dinner - mostly good salads with protein this week.

My breakfast is:

1. soft poached egg


2. 1/2 of a large piece of whole wheat toast, no butter


3. dish of fresh fruit salad

My lunch is a Turkey & Havarti sandwich:

1. 3 oz. deli turkey


2. 1 deli slice of havarti


3. lettuce & tomato


4. 1 Tbsp. light Mayo


5. 2 pcs. toasted multigrain, no butter

Dinners have been things like tuna and white beans in a lemon vinaigrette over crisp romaine lettuce; a big greek salad with a little feta; shredded chicken, apple, celery, and grapes tossed in a raspberry vinaigrette over romaine. All pretty yummy.

So, so far so good.

Initial Weigh-in (Attempt 3)

Up 6.8 from the last leaving weight, but down from the weight of my first attempt.

Here we go again.

I gained over 2 pounds a month since I was last at WW. All of it from pizza I'm sure, well, and the chocolate and alcohol of the holiday season. Some things have changed though, I have retained some of the habits from my earlier time on the plan: healthy breakfasts of fruit, poached egg and dry toast at work; smaller pasta portions when I cook; light cream in my coffee. These things are probably why I didn't bounce upward to a higher starting weight this time.

The carb cravings are still pretty intense though. I'm going to try adding chromium picolinate which has apparently had some effect in reducing carbohydrate cravings in people and is also a support chemical in blood sugar maintenance. I'm also taking Wellbutrin/Zyban for Seasonal Affective symptoms. It has been terrific for me - the general background depression and anxiety of this time of year has been much reduced. I will go off it in the Spring when the mornings are light again. I tried light therapy by the way and found that my sleep was disturbed and I had anxiety attacks.

So, stay tuned. And wish me well.

Weeks 8, 9, and 10

Week 8 (09/11): Down 2.4 (total 11.6 lbs)

The slow and steady inching forward with allowances for eating out, birthdays, Friday afternoon drinks, and pizza cravings seems to be working. The only thing I'm denying myself is the denial.

In the past I have not been able to get back on the horse because I was plagued by "what's the point" dialogues with my carb-craving self. They would go something like this:

It's a fresh new week, I can be strict and adhere to the program and make up for this lapse

But didn't that (creamy, chewy, cheesy) thing taste good? And look, it hardly added anything to the scales surely if you just had one more it wouldn't hurt? And you can always start WW after the next weigh-in.

Oh God, I can't get that voice out of my head, I'll never be able to succeed because I really do want that (creamy, chewy, cheesy) thing and now all I can do is think about it, endlessly! What's the point?

So, I'm stopping at the new pizza place at least once a week and I've cut out the mayo on my lunch sandwiches which means 15 extra points a week can be put toward that chewy, cheesy, margherita pizza - mmmmmm. I'd rather have pizza than almost anything, so I'm adapting. And I'm slowly extracting the nutritional info from the pizza guys who make it right in front of me. So far I've got 9 oz. of crust (strictly weighed) made from a sourdough starter shipped all the way from Naples and which has to be fed every night, topped with a half cup of pureed tomatoes (from a can) which have nothing else in them but some salt and basil and which also apparently are Naples approved. The cheese is a bit harder to figure out because they just grab a handful of chunks of the soft Buffalo mozzarella and sprinkle them on top but if I watch then I can guestimate. Then they sprinkle basil leaves and drizzle olive oil over the top and bake. Heaven.

Week 9 (09/18): Down 0.0 (total 11.6 lbs)
Week 10 (10/09): Down 0.8 (total 12.4 lbs)

I have been neglectful of the blog (sorry Susan). The lack of weight loss is actually a cause for celebration. The 2.4 loss was my reward for getting back on to the Flex plan after my long week of birthday celebrations and hotel eating (pats herself on the back). The zero weight loss of the following week was me saying to myself "go ahead, you're going to gain weight while you are away anyway..." as I prepared for a rather impromptu vacation of a cruise followed by two days in Vegas. The 0.8 loss of week 10 is the result of the food on the cruise and in Vegas (Bouchon is to die for) followed by about 10 days of moderation interspersed with yummy things like Pizza from PrimaStrada because, after all, I was going to show a big gain on the scale wasn't I?

So, the lesson learned is that I should eat the low-point meals when it is just 'fuel' I need, rather than eat fattening stuff at every meal, and this will help me from gaining when I go off-plan. Also, I realised on the cruise that I wanted the big chunks of fruit at breakfast even when hashbrowns were available. And book vacations where you walk alot - that helps too.

See you next week (I promise)

Week 7

Up 2.2 (9.2 lbs total)

So after two weeks, flying to Halifax and back, birthday cake (twice), birthday dinners (duck, two ways no less), brunches (Bon Rouge) and breakfast (Mo:Le) - thanks Cathie VB, Debbie, Me, and Cath P - pizza and a lot of alcohol in various forms, I gained 2.2 pounds? I was positive it would be around 7, I mean I ate with abandon! I will have to watch next week because the lag may come up and smack me. I have swollen ankles from all the carbs and the 12 hours of travel so I hope that the fluid goes down this week.

The good news? I bought new shoes - Wolkys - to aid my walking efforts. And I've signed up for a History seminar at UVic to aid my mental health. I love autumn.

Week 6

Down 3.6 (11.4 lbs total)

And then I went away...

Week 5

Up 1.4 lbs (7.8 total)

You're right - I tried the pizza. It was nice but it didn't drop me in my tracks, which is a good thing. However, the gain wasn't solely attributable to the pizza. I also spent the week indulging.

Saturday I had Ocean Blues (1 part Vodka, 1 part Blue Curacao, 2 parts Margarita mix, slushy ice, very pretty and oh so tasty) and appies at a get together with the girls from my recent MCBA course; the more I drank the more I ate. Monday I went to a fabulous restaurant (Stage) with my friend Debbie where we split every dish and had some terrific wines followed by an enjoyable evening of theatre at the Belfry. Tuesday night I tried the pizza and on Wednesday I went with a girlfriend from work to the new Bard & Banker pub where we had a delicious cheese plate and a chilled prawn salad. Thursday the scale showed me just how much all of that cost.

It was all worth it though, and I know that not every week of my life is going to be like that. It seems I am being less critical of myself this time through WW. This week's indulgences were tempered with sensible eating and I tracked it all, knowingly putting myself into point-deficit. At the meeting, standing in line waiting to weigh in, I will admit to hoping that the scale still showed a loss but I laughed at myself for thinking it and I didn't crumble inside when the realistic gain appeared. I didn't have that sense of failure that comes from not meeting unreasonable expectations.

Week 4

Down 3.4 lbs (9.2 total)

The Gods are mocking me. Seriously.

Around the corner from me, two short Fairfield blocks, is Pizzeria Prima Strada, and apparently:

An expert pizzaiolo from San Francisco is training the kitchen staff in the proper art of making Neapolitan pizza. The wood fired oven is working, the doors are open and the owners are very welcoming.

I can attest to the open door. My bus stops right in front of it. At 5:00 pm every evening I will get to step off a bus, hungry, tired, and uninspired to the smell of a brick pizza oven.

Pizza is my bete noir, my saviour, my best friend, my anti-depressant, my demon. All other food is weighed against it: Moules et Frites? or Pizza? Cassoulet? or Pizza? Eggs Benedict? or leftover Pizza? 6 point frozen Weight Watcher Pasta Alfredo? or Pizza.

I know I will succumb, so I have to plan and I have to make that pizzaiolo my friend. I'll have to get a 20 point pizza worked out so that I can use my usual 10 points at dinner plus use 10 points from my weekly stash, and I'll make it an event. I cannot exclude this food from my life or I will feel deprived and eventually, defeated and depressed, I will crave it so strongly that I will eat it 4 times a week, with full Italian sausage and extra cheese.

P.S. Susan, I love you, get well, get strong, see you soon.

Week 3

Down 1.6 lbs (5.8 total)

I have two words for you this week: Dim and Sum. If you are ever tempted, don't do it. I discovered that it is impossible to eat these seemingly small objects while counting points. I had a business luncheon and our guest picked Dim Sum as his choice of nosh. I thought to myself "I'll just stay away from the deep-fried ones, eat slowly and in moderation". Thank God I had a plan. Well, it turns out that even the most innocuous looking, rice-wrapped, shrimp-stuffed, two-bites-and-its-gone, morsel is over 200 calories for 100 gms. I left lunch feeling dissatisfied because the most yummy stuff, the deep fried squid and the deep-fried shrimp rolls and the sticky rice packets, were only tasted in passing. When I got back to the office I did some internet trolling to see if there was a calorie chart anywhere for these things. Sure enough Hong Kong's department of public safety (I can see why) had a listing. My moderate, unsatisfying lunch had conservatively cost me around 32 points. The sodium levels were off the charts. So, the next time someone says lets do Dim Sum I am going to invent an allergy to pork and gently steer them toward a fabulous sushi restaurant.

On a happier note I have come up with a quick pasta recipe that has great taste and only puts 9 points in the bowl. I dice about 1/4 cup of sweet onion, 1/4 cup of red pepper, and a 1/2 cup of zucchini, saute them in a teaspoon of olive oil until soft, add dried oregano, a dash of red pepper flakes, and stir. Then add 1/2 cup of commercial marinara sauce (around 60 cals), a dash of red wine vinegar, and simmer. Once the 2 oz. of dried spaghetti goes into the boiling water I add 100 gms of fresh or thawed prawns to the sauce (about 6 to 9 depending on size). Once the pasta is al dente, I drain, put into my favourite pasta bowl, top with the sauce and sprinkle 30 gms of light Feta cheese over the top. Yummy, a sort of Greek prawn dish with a little kick. While I eat it I imagine I'm sitting on the deck of one of those fabulous Greek island houses with Meryl, watching Colin Firth walk up the hill toward me. In my fantasy Abba is still playing but Colin discovers he isn't gay after all!

Week 2

Down 4.2 lbs (4.2 total)

My first full week back on the Flex plan and it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. In the past I have always experienced resistance when I returned to a program; my mind would rebel at the lack of novelty, I could hear the voice saying "this didn't work before, it won't work now" - a self-fulfilling prophecy if ever there was one.

This week I coped at a company picnic with the usual cast of chips, potato salad, hot dogs, and pecan pie. I budgeted some of my daily points and dipped into my weekly stash to get through it - and I stayed away from the alcohol. I learned last time through WW, that if I drank, I ate. And the more I drank the more I ate. Funny that. I also went to two movies and had small popcorns, no topping, and diet coke. I ate out at a pub one night and had breakfast and lunch at the cafe every working day. In fact, I didn't cook once all week except to microwave a frozen dinner. Welcome to single life.

I feel calm, like I am back on a path after floundering around in the deep salal for a while. One week has made a difference in the swelling of my ankles, the depth of my sleep, the flexibility in my torso, the drum-tight skin around my knees. I am sane again and the journey can continue.

Week 1 (again)...

Up 32.2

I walked back into my WW meeting tonight sure that I was 10lbs heavier than the last time I started only to discover that my "starting" weight was EXACTLY the same as the last time I went. Hmmm. However, it feels like it is distributed a little differently this time - I think there are less muscle-y bits and more wobbly bits.

Anyway, "Fifty by fifty" will have to become "Fifty-one by Fifty-one" because there is no way that I am losing 50 by August 26th! I do, however, hope to see "Down by 10" at the top of the page and some slack in the waistband of my favourite jeans.

Carol, our WW leader, reminded me that it took her 7 starts before she succeeded and that just walking back in the door was a triumph. I hope it is a triumph and not the absolute embodiment of the definition of insanity:

doing the same thing over and over again expecting the outcome to change

Actually the insanity thing isn't too far off the mark. The "cycling into depression" that I talked about in February is real. I become a hermit, craving solitude; I derive pleasure only from eating very specific foods and then only while actually engaged in the activity; I despair of ever seeing the light at the end of the depression tunnel (and I now think that that phrase is apt); and I just function - no living involved. At 2 or 3 pizzas a week, a fairly large quantity of alcohol, and a daily vanilla fudge drumstick it didn't take me long to regain the weight.

Last weekend I realized that I had surfaced once again and could look at the depression without breaking down into sobs and could begin to think about how to weaken its grip on me next year. I've come to think that it is, in large part, Seasonal Affective Disorder and this year I aim to buy the light boxes for both my home and work. I realized that as the world grows darker in the fall I slowly begin to go outside less: I go to work at 7 am, work in a monitor-lit cubicle, eat at my desk, and go home at 4 to my dark apartment. By the time the exciting, holiday part of the year is done with I am sliding into my annual ditch. The spring doesn't instantly wake me any more, April's lengthening days do not provide enough incentive to go outside. May and June used to revive me but as I age it seems that the grip of the depression gets stronger - this year it took July to get me back to what the rest of the world experiences as normal.

Week 25 Results and Lessons Learned...

Down 4.2 (32.2 lbs total)

I got back on the horse that bucked me and tracked all my food this week. I also began my training walks for the Times Colonist 10K walk on Sunday, April 27. And look what happened!

The blinding simplicity of it! The sheer A + B + C of it! The utter lack of mystery!

Thank you all again for your encouragement - I'm sure I'll need it again.

Weeks 23 and 24 Results and Lessons Learned...

Up 2lbs (28 lbs total)

I missed my first WW meeting. I worked late that night (week 23) but I should have got my butt out of bed on Saturday morning and weighed in then. However, I did go back on week 24 and discovered that my worst fears weren't going to be realized - I had only gained 2 lbs over the 2 weeks. I had been indulgently soothing my stress and worries with the usual foods: pizza, natchos, fries and burgers and I hadn't tracked a thing. I thought I'd gained about 5 lbs.

The good thing from this was that it reinforced my belief that going to the meetings is one of the most important things you can do on this journey. People had noticed my absence and were quick to welcome me back, to offer me consoling stories of their lapses and give me words of encouragement and advice. And it all helped. I left the meeting with a renewed sense of purpose and a goal of tracking my points between now and next meeting - one day at a time, keep the eyes down and on the small goal of losing a pound at the next weigh-in. It's easy to get discouraged when you look at the still-distant goal (the one that lies beyond 50 x 50 but isn't so alliterative!) It feels like it will never happen and it diminishes the success you should feel at losing almost 30 lbs.

So, thank you to all those people who took the time to think of me and offer me their thoughts and best wishes, those words really made an impression on me and gave me the lift to get over this hurdle. And a special thank you to you, beeflady!

Week 22 Results and Lessons Learned...

Up .2 lbs (30 lbs total)

I have actually been thinking about this weight gain rather than just wailing in despair (which, don't get me wrong, I have also been doing) and I have realized that I am experiencing the onset of depression. I am a depressive personality, cycling through the lows at least once a year. And food is my solace, my stress release, a way of loving myself when I feel the rest of the world doesn't. I've lost the sense of hope about the future that I have when I'm not depressed, and you need hope to diet. Unfortunately knowing I'm entering a depressive cycle is not the same as "curing" it and I'm still reaching for the food. So, my thoughts about this phase are that I just have to get through it without doing too much damage to myself - I'll eat the healthy choices when I can and try to get some exercise in and keep going to meetings. One day I will wake up with a renewed sense of joy and hope and the week will fly by and I will lose some weight, until then I am going to try and be kind to myself in as many non-food ways as I can.