Week 21

Up 2 (34.6 lbs total)

Today's WW topic was motivation. How after a while, and some success, the initial motivation that drove you to join has subsided in intensity. The clothes in your closet are looser and you're feeling a little pleased with yourself, or maybe you are bored. Either way, you have become casual about your commitment to the WW program and slippage is happening.

It was perfectly timed because I am feeling mentally rocky - I've been tracking every thing I eat and it is not a pretty picture and, while tracking is key, the other part of the equation is eating healthy and staying within your points allowance. I've been a little lax on that front. I've been thrown out of my routine too many times over the past three or four weeks and it has illustrated my inability to cope with having to choose on the fly.

I need to plan my food for the week and to always have a healthy option available to me wherever I am. This means making and taking food to work while the cafeteria is closed (come back Gary I miss you) and eating breakfast at home when I know I won't have access to food until lunch. It means bringing food to the movies rather than succumbing to Twizzlers (30 points for an avg. bag, and I WILL eat the whole bag). It means keeping a mental image of my goal in my head at all times and actively thinking about how I felt when I joined. It means remembering how I gained it all back last time and how that felt: debilitating, defeating, depressing, despairing.

I also want to thank my friend who goes with me to WW - the discussion about this in the swimming pool as we did our walking lunges back and forth in the shallow water gave me the energy to renew my commitment. We discussed our meals for the week, what they would look like, and what changes we could make to make them more satisfying. Then we went grocery shopping to put the plan in action. In fact we talked so much my butt hurts from the lunges :)

Wish me luck.

Week 20

Down 2.8 (36.6lbs total)

I obviously controlled myself enough on the last few days to drop the water weight plus a bit. So, one whole pound gone in two weeks - I'll take it.

However, I'm still on the compulsory eating thing and I've already eaten this week's extra points in a binge of caramel popcorn, Pink Elephant martinis, strawberries dipped in sour cream and brown sugar (who knew), Lime tortilla chips with fruit salsa and a very large handful or two of jujubes. Our book club just read Water for Elephants and the circus theme took over.

I'm going to have to weather it I guess - no choice really, is there? It will probably happen to me for the rest of my life so I have to learn to deal with it and get through it without abandoning all hope. It seems hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I would have faced all of that food with restraint and a calm feeling. I would have tasted it all but I wouldn't have kept feeding it to myself until it was time to leave.

I've been having hot flashes again lately - I wonder whether hormones are playing a part in the bottomless pit feeling. Or maybe the over-eating is triggering the hormone fluctuations?

Week 19

Up 1.8 (33.8 lbs total)

Ah hubris. I have spent the weekend eating. In a compulsory, manic way. Movie popcorn, twizzlers, chocolate bars, pizza, bread, butter, cheese, hot dogs. Nothing really enjoyable except the pizza - I still love pizza deeply. I have eaten my whole week's worth of slush points plus about 25 more and we aren't even through Monday yet.

I'm not really sure what was behind this: a long weekend with no groceries in the house; a visit from my ex (though he brought me shoes); a feeling of exhaustion in the face of the coming weeks' deadline driven work. Mostly feeling alone and tired I think; a bit of feeling sorry for myself.

Tomorrow I am back to work and routine. I have four days of healthy eating before weigh in so I'm hoping the damage isn't too bad - I'd like to stay this side of the 30lbs. lost mark.

Week 18

Down 4.2 (35.6 lbs total)

Wow.

I am now well and truly in uncharted water but I'm not scared, I'm not over-confident either. I feel like this way of eating and being is becoming normal. My over-indulgences are balanced by some caloric restraint; a great day usually follows a tough one.

Today I went for brunch to Ferris Upstairs with friends and had a Mango Bellini followed by The Spaniard : Poached Eggs on Roasted Red Pepper, Chorizo, and Potato Hash with Espelette Chili Hollandaise. Then finished with lovely Press coffee and fresh baguette with jam.

Bliss.

We then went swimming at Crystal Pool and had a lovely sunny work out so now my muscles are warm and I'm pleasantly tired.

Balance.

Week 17

Up 1.4 (31.4 lbs total)

I hope this yo-yo pattern isn't going to continue for much longer. After swimming and walking the first part of the 10K with my workmates, I began to swell up on Tuesday. My rings were tight, my ankles puffy, my under-eye-bags were baggier. I'm hoping it is a particularly bad case of PMS water retention and that I will drop the water weight next week. But I don't really know. After a hysterectomy in my early 30s I have no external indicator of my menstrual cycle and, though I often mention to myself and others that I must write these things down, I have not tracked these bouts of PMS. All I know is that every now and then I need chocolate, carbohydrates, and rest -- and I slosh when I walk.

This could also be part of the continual adjustment of weight loss. I am entering uncharted areas, so maybe my body needs to hang on to water while it adjusts to the fat loss and then it releases it in steps? Lose nothing, drop 3 to 4 lbs., lose nothing, drop 3 to 4 pounds. I'll start writing more information down in an effort to understand.